Occasional Queen

When one explosion causes another.

So many items in my wardrobe, the only problem is they’re all too big. I’m tiny and shrinking at the same time. My jeans don’t fit me anymore.

I feel insecure. I feel ugly. I’m hungry and I panic at the sensation. I run. I can’t run. I’m not really running, I’m trapped in the mud, the only way to turn is a bunch of good drugs. And they don’t release me.

My head hurts me, I can’t get any peace. I ruin things out of spite. Spite for myself, spite for others. Anger, explosive anger. And then I want to cry. My tears seem to dry up, the way my words wont work. You get an allocation that isn’t large, when it’s used you’re left with the rest inside.

I’m actually thinking I may be going mad. I just want to be left alone, I want to hide away under a rock. I want to have peace and all the senses I’ve got keep waking me up, stirring things inside me. Something goes slightly wrong and I fall apart and rip everything to shreds like some unpredictable monster.

Help. But don’t help. Just leave me alone…

Changing lanes

So my life is currently turning out a little different to what I expected.

I’m not sure how to take it, but I’m going with the flow, maybe it’ll take me there.

I should probably call Dr. Knox for that appointment he reccomended.

Hm. Very quiet today. Worried about work.

What?/Retry

You look up and down end up with screw and frown

I see you know that I’m the Queen of this Town

Theres a lot you could learn, you’re acting like a clown

You may have be from the hood but put your arms down

Call before I come around? I just know there’s something going down

You think you know me, that my voice is megaphonic

Try to ignore I will only get louder than before

I need to be someone who I can see as me

In reality I’m  megatronic, supersonic , larger than life and more

You can’t silence me, best admit what you can’t be

cos you can’t stand my fucking heat

I would show you the way but you’d still go astray

The way you live has you chasing can and ashtray

The spins and swirls in life that make you shake

Ain’t got nothing to do with your destiny, it’s the steps you take

We find ourselves in a private hell we made, it’s a shame

I tried to turn your mind around, I tried to show you how

I tell you now, it’s the final row cause you’ll refuse to know life like I do now.

That grenade

“I gave you all my love and you tossed it in the trash, you tossed it in the trash - yes you did. To give me all your love is all I ever ask, all I ever ask…”                           

My sides are splitting I think my heart misses beats 

I keep spinning but the room stands still                                                            

Our icy atmosphere provides a chill                                                                    

 in the frills of our pills we find these shiny drills                                                 

we drill holes in eachother watch the other fall apart                                        

too late for both of you  got it wrong from the start                                             

What the hell happened to our little hearts?

You thought this was darts?

I thought it was held together, glue between every part

That sticky wasn’t tough enough for our stuff

My mind is still finding it hard to find  a decent reality and some piece of mind          

 When our world falls down a black hole.

Paranoia, paranoia

Everybody’s coming to get me.

Throughout my life there are so many things I’m ashamed of and feel guilty about.

The emotion connected to these many situations is so strong that I’m submerged in them at times, I fear for my own sanity. I don’t know where to find peace, as my mind is always with me wherever I go, pestering me, haunting me. Even on a day to day basis I obsess and stress over things I’ve said, looks I’ve been given. It’s way out of hand and I can’t breathe. What to do when your worst enemy is yourself and your own mind? I want to run away, run far and wide. Maybe I’ll run for the rest of my life. Running from myself as well as the world and all the people in it. I’m looking out at humanity and I’m not a part of it. I’m stood on the outside because I’m different, stupid and can’t do right at any time. I feel like such a fool. I am a fool, I know. I know myself like no one else does and I wish I wasn’t me. I wish I was someone else. Someone better. Someone decent.

I can’t sleep I can’t eat I offend and hurt people and I’m always in a chaotic state.

When will this end? Do I have to end it? I think of it to be very honest. And I think I’ll finally be at peace when I don’t have to feel, think, talk, see and hear any more. I can’t stand life. I don’t know what the point is. I have wasted so much of what I’ve been given, why was I ever given it? I threw it away. Or broke it.

I hate myself deeply and a lot of the time I want to die. I can’t bear this it hurts too much to hurt all the time day into night into next day into next year and so on.

I wish I could be saved. But I don’t deserve to be. I ruin things and it’s swallowing me whole. Just let me die.

In the middle of the night

theres a fright

it runs down my spine

another day another dime

all there is is time and more time

the envelopment of life

makes me think i might just climb

im scared to fall so i sit back down

times of my life spinning in my mind

fearing whats to come, what bad will i find

whats life all about is it meant for partytime

should i have been more just or is it just fine

to climb and hide hide and climb hide and climb

feels like falling im losing my shine

paranoia plagues me hard

even though i can pretend to be fine

for just that moment

time and more time